Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep
by Furlings are Cats
Summary: Last thoughts aren't always profound. Rather, there is the one single moment when you realize what you lived for before. McWeir drabble, Character death.
1. Rodney

A/N I can't seem to find the Frito-Lay box with my notes in it. All of them look the same to me, big green logo on the side, writing all over them in scraggly black marker. I hate moving, HATE it. Any semblance of order my room once had is gone, and it will take me months to get it back. So, while I unpack and see if any of my plot bunnies managed to get packed up, I'm writing a little McWeir piece for you.

That's right, MCWEIR. If you don't like it, go. I don't care if you hate it, just don't tell me. I really, really don't like flames. I think I'm going to use any of them I get on Kolya. He really needs to be roasted. Alive.

? Space?

So this is what it comes down to. All that's really left now is the warm, crimson liquid running down my cheek. I just wanted to look at the temple, see what was in the ruins. Who knew the natives weren't friendly, that they were better armed than even us?

Major Sheppard is gone now. He grabbed a hold of Teyla and ran withFord right behind them. I was the last one, justtrying to save some of my equipment. It is valuable, but maybe not more than my life. I really do hope they are happy together, the Major and Teyla. A blind man could see how they feel. It's written all over them, like the writing on these walls. It's got a bit here about ascending, like a how-to manual. Maybe I could do that. Then I would be able to come back and visit the only people that have ever cared about me, the only people who have been my friends.

Maybe if I hold on, I could tell Elisabeth that this planet should be visited, but only by some of our better trained people. Or I could tell her how I feel. There's no way to get hurt, now way she could reject me then. After all, why would you want to break a dying man's heart? Just snap it right before he crosses over, his last thought being that of betrayal? But I don't think she would do that to me. I think she cares, a lot more than a leader should.

I remember when Kolya held that gun to her. All I could think about was not being able to tell her about the latest discovery, not having her there to give me that little smile over dinner when she thinks I'm not looking. I wanted her to be there for me. Maybe it was selfish, but we all need someone to lean on, right? I wonder who said that. I think it's a song.

The puddle next to me is larger than my pack now. I can see the sun glinting through the trees, making strange shapes on the ground. I know its only a bit longer now, on a bit longer until the headache I have fades forever. I hope there is an afterlife for people like me, people who hide from the world. I might let down my barriers to be let in.

There is a pair of feet in front of me. They're blocking my view, but I can't seem to move to see around them. Ah, now there is a face too. It's Carson. I could tell him what to tell Elisabeth, what I wanted to say to her since the day I met her. He could tell her just how much I really cared, even when I was acting an ass. He's not letting me talk, though. He says to hold on, but I don't want to any more. My hands and feet are numb, and the rest of my body is warm, like a soft blanket. I just want to sleep, but that's hard with a light in your face.

They're putting me in a jumper now. I can see the roof over my head. Maybe they will bring the puddle along with me? I did like looking at it, watching it shimmer. Now everything has gone gray. I know Carson should be wearing a blue shirt, but it's not there. I'm really tired. I wish people would stop tapping me in the face and telling me to stay awake.

Elisabeth is standing over me now. I don't remember going through the gate. She's staring at me, and there's this big light behind her head. I know we didn't bring any of those with us. I want to reach up, to touch it, but I can't move at all now. Elisabeth is holding my hand. I can see her lips moving, but I can't hear her. I'm falling now, fading away. It's really hard, but I have to say it, at least once. She has to know.

"I love you, Elisabeth."

Now I can sleep.


	2. Elisabeth

A/N Still can't find the box. It probably ended up in the wrong room. Either that or I just keep looking at it, telling myself 'not that one.'

Heather, I know you want an update. I'm thinking I might just wing it now, much as I don't like doing that.

Ok. This has grown a bit more than I thought possible, due to extreme boredom. So, this chapter is Elisabeth's POV.

? Space?

A friend once told me she felt her husband die, like she was in the car next to him. I just thought she was trying to make herself feel better, that maybe by thinking she was there she could make it all better somehow.

I know what she meant now.

Major Sheppard and his team had only been gone for an hour or so when I felt it. It was like, well, how do you describe death? There are millions of cliché's, but none of them come close. It was almost like seeing it in real time. Even before the gate dialed in, I knew there was no hope. And I just knew it was Rodney.

I'm standing here looking at the only picture I have of him. He's so happy, almost carefree. Dr. Zelenka had wanted photographs of the city to send to earth if we ever made contact. After a while, the project turned into a candid camera game.

He's alone in this picture, but you can see that he's speaking to someone. I think it's me, but I forget now. He's gone, so what does it matter? I can see his blue eyes so clearly, though. It's like they're sparkling in the light. I miss that sparkle, the one that says we'll be alright. I know I won't, not any more.

I should go inside with the rest of the crew. We held the wake this morning, and everyone has gone back to their duties. Everyone except me. I'm still here, standing on this balcony that he loved so much, waiting for him to come out and offer a word of sympathy. Maybe a quick hug, but nothing more. I never pushed for more, because I thought tomorrow would always be there. Maybe I should have said something to him, something to push him in the right direction.

He told me how he felt, but it was too late. Too late to hold each other close, too late to wipe away the tears that formed after a horrible mission. To late to even say good bye.

I put that picture back in my pocket and turn towards the door. Everyone is waiting inside, I can feel that too. Before I go, I whisper to the cold ocean. It's just five little words, but maybe they will keep me sane in the months to come.

"I love you too, Rodney."


End file.
